626 words
"Oh no. Here comes John. I dread when he comes by. He doesn't know how to get to the point. He tells me the same thing six different ways, giving me more detail than I need or want. Why can't he be brief?"
Poor John. And poor us, for we've all been on the giving and receiving end of this same problem.
It's hard for us to know when we're giving too much information. I have one friend who goes into great detail explaining his weekend activities. I have another friend who goes into a scene-by-scene replay of her favorite sitcom, in which I have no interest. Neither friend picks up on the cues I giveÑshowing disinterest through body language, trying to change the subject. In fact, when I've changed the subject, they'll come back to their original story if they weren't done.
How does one know if there's a need to self edit?
First, solicit input and feedback from friend and colleagues you can trust to tell you the truth. Be willing to hear their feedback without getting defensive, even though they may tell you things you don't like hearing. Ask your friends and colleagues to help you be aware when you are overdoing it. Agree on a signal they can give you. Generally, they will be happy to help. Family members will be especially eager to assist you.
Second, train yourself to pick up the subtle social cues people give off. Notice changes in eye contact, body posture, hand movement, fidgeting, yawning, sighing. Third, become a student of body language. Learn to read the signals we all communicate continually throughout conversations.
How can one self-edit?
-Don't get bogged down in irrelevant details: "I went there on Thursday, or was it Wednesday, no it had to be Thursday..." Who cares what day it was? Get on with it.
-Don't repeat comments unless the listener didn't hear you or indicates s/he didn't understand. Say it once and go on.
-Decide if the idea is new to the discussion. If not, don't say it. People don't want to hear the same ideas rehashed.
-Eliminate extra words. Say your comment using the fewest words that can express the thought well. In writing courses, we are taught to edit our words. We can apply the same concepts to our verbal communication.
-Say what you need to say in a pace that is easy to hear. Avoid going so slow that your listener fills in your last words since they've figured out what you were going to say.
-Eliminate side cracks that no one laughs at but you. You may feel you're the next Bob Hope, but everyone else thinks you're wasting their time with your inane cracks. This is especially deadly at meetings. I met regularly with a man who thought he was Bill Cosby. He wasted so much time because not only was he not funny to anyone else, but he also took a long time to get his comments out.
-Eliminate "uh," "ya know," "um," and "like" as non-word space holders. Pause without filling in the void with a non-word.
-Don't discuss information that is not relevant to the majority of the group. Defer specialized conversations until later.
-Ask questions in a group discussion that are relevant to more than yourself. If you have a question specific to yourself, ask it one-on-one later.
Summary
Becoming aware of our communication patterns can be extremely difficult: it's hard to know how we come across to others. We can't have our conversations videotaped for analysis, but we can heighten our awareness of what we do say, learn to read the responsive cues of others better, and enlist the help of friends.
Copyright 1995 Morgan Seminar Group
Rebecca L. Morgan, CSP, is a dynamic speaker and seminarist. She is the author of four books, "TurboTime: Maximizing Your Results Through Technology," "Calming Upset Customers," "LifeÕs Lessons: Insights and Information for a Richer Life," and "Professional Selling." For information on her speaking services, books, and tapes contact her at 1440 Newport Ave., San Jose, CA 95125, 408/998-7977, 800/247-9662, fax: 408/998-1742, rebecca@RebeccaMorgan.com, www.RebeccaMorgan.com. Please contact Rebecca for permission to reprint or repost this item.
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